Couch Dumping

 

 

 

 

One of our readers, Patty Doyle sent me a funny story about the aftermath of her divorce and move. It seems she’s discovered the art of Couch dumping. Hmm, sometimes you gotta to do what you gotta to do.

 

 

There are times in your life when you need your friends. Friends stop you from doing something stupid in your life; a true friend will tell you the fun was worth it, even if you are sitting in jail.

 

 

Thank God for true friends and one ugly couch.

 

“It’s gotta go,” I said.

 

 

“What’s going?” asked my friend, Paula.

 

 

“The couch. I picked it out with my ex six years ago and I can’t look at it anymore, plus it’s too big for the new rental.  I thought it would be easier to get rid of it than move it.”

 

 

“The blue-striped one?” Paula asked.

 

 

“Exactly. It’s history.  I’ve ordered a leather couch for the new house and this one is outta here.  This weekend, as a matter of fact,”

 

 

“I’m happy for you, it’ll be good to see it go.  It’s rather ugly, you know,”

 

 

“Gee thanks,” I said.

 

 

“No problem, that’s what friends are for.  To be honest, it’s not ugly, it’s hideous,” laughs Paula.

 

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I spill out before realizing that my couch, my once perfect couch — much like my marriage, has now been relegated down to the ranks of hideous. It was just like my marriage – history, gone, goodbye.

 

 

“Speaking of that’s what friends are for…,” I began, watching as Paula’s eyes narrowed as a what are you talking about? look crossed her face. I start to explain. “Well my dear friend, you know the divorce has cost me oodles and this move- well I could go on…”

 

 

“And how does this relate to me,” quizzed Paula.

 

“Wait, I’m not finished,” I said. “And…, the furniture store was going to charge me an extra two-hundred dollars for couch pick-up and disposal when they deliver the new one, so…”

 

Sounding less than pleased at this moment, Paula answered, “Again, how does this relate to me?”

 

 

Suddenly I felt as if I was going to make a horrible mistake but it was too late to back down now. Bravely opening my mouth I said, “We are going to do a little late night couch dumping.”

 

 

“What do you mean we, Key-mo-sabe?”

 

 

“Well not just you,” I stammered. “Suzanne, Susie, Nettie, you, and me. It’ll be a like good old-fashioned Viking couch-dumping funeral.”

 

 

“The only one that needs a funeral is you,” she quipped. “You’re insane.  That couch is a monstrosity, ugly, striped, and will be a bear to move.  Or dump as you say.”

 

 

I wasn’t going to give up. “I’m going to call Suzanne and ask to borrow the truck.  I know I should’ve cleared it with you all but the last time I sat on my hideous blue-striped monstrosity, as you call it, I was totally creeped out.”

 

 

“What creeped you out?” she asked.

 

 

“I had a vision.”

 

 

“Oh Geez.” said Paula.

 

 

“Hey, no fair,” I responded “I had a vision that the skank and you-know-who were on the couch in a very compromising position. Right after that, I knew it had to go.”

 

 

“Valid enough,” said Paula. “Looks like we’re dumping a couch. All we have to do is think of the skank.”

 

 

 

“Gotcha.” I said. “Now, let’s call the rest of the girls.”

 

Patty has been a  single mom for about ten years and the proud mom of two wonderful girls; ages 19 and 15.    She lives in Brooksville, Florida and began teaching elementary school to provide for herself as a single mom and to be on a schedule that was suitable for her girls. She was honored as her school’s Teacher of the Year in 2008-2009. Patty  has been able to write for many audiences. She is currently working on a book called No Refunds, No Returns, a fictional comedy about surviving and thriving after divorce.

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